Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
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Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I did not marry a roomba.
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