i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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