Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
