I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
