Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
