Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
