Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
