I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
