It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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