A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
