saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
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He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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