My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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