U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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