I puked a lego.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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