Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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