I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
