the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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