GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
