took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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