the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
