in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
