real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
