I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
