I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well I just put wine in my tea
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
