gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
