my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
