i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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