he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
