finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
