I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
