My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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