True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
