Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
