I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
