Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
