He passed out mid-signature
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize