Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
