cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
