Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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