I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
