dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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