This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
