dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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