Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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