Will you blow on my dice?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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