My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
