He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
