I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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