I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
