someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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