i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
