dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
