jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
