oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
