May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
