Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
