Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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