I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
