I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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